Healing Journey

AUGUST 2025

As summer winds down it makes me sad.  I love summer with every ounce of my being.  But this has been such a good summer.  We went to some new places, visited family and friends, enjoyed and had fun.  But there is still so much more I wanted to do.  I had an amazing birthday weekend, and have so much going on to look forward to in my journey.  In therapy this past week we talked more about my mom and step dad, did some screenings, and discussed what I hoped to get out of therapy to help us maneuver that.  My hope is to heal and put away my past, not let it bleed into my present day, help me with my anxiety when life gets messy, crazy, and hectic, I don’t want to snap so easily, my depression is doing well right now and I want to keep that peace.  I also hope to be able to use the tools I have been given through therapy, coaching podcasts, and finish my book this winter to help others.

 I was 10 when my mom married my step dad.  He had only lived at home with his parents except for college and was 38 yrs old when they got married.  I had not been allowed around him much by my mom before hand so we didn’t know each other.  He had never been around a lot of children.  And my mom nor him knew about the sexual abuse that happened to me several times from 8 to 9 yrs old.  So I was a brat but not just to be an ass I had went thru real trauma.  My mother was my idol until she remarried but still had not been a good mom. She had many boyfriends in and out of our life, we lived in fear of my dad finding us, she never hit me, but always had the most negative and derogatory things to say to me and about me.   She lived the typical young single woman life and I was never her 1st priority.  Of course my dad didn’t pay child support and she struggled all the time financially, so when she married my step dad that struggle lightened tremendously.  I do believe she loved my step dad but I also always thought he was more security for her and she was not going to let this she devil brat of a 10 yr old ruin it for her.   And he only knew I was an out of hand problem child and thought by beating me it would make me behave.  I ran away from home all the time.  Noone ever asked why does Michelle do this it was just me being bad, being me again.  No there were real issues at home.  I finally found my dad and got out of there but it was out of the frying pan and into the fire.  He was in a biker gang and there is a lot of trauma from there that we are working thru.  I did drugs  for the 1st time of my life at 13 yrs old when I lived with my dad, lost my virginity, had a married 23 yr old boyfriend that I found out later he was the neighborhood drug dealer, as well as I had to hide so much from my dad when he was on cocaine and whiskey combo binges, and oh my the list goes on and on.  This will be more detailed in my book.  I do forgive my step dad and have no hard feeling against him.  It’s like things shifted once my mom died.  I know my grandma is and was so toxic and that formed my mother into a toxic adult.  I wish my mom and I both could have gotten therapy and helped our relationship but that never happened.  Possibly my step dad has realized how toxic my mom and grandma were and then after having 3 of his own children realized how that may have affected me.  We have not had this talk and a part of me wants to so bad because I don’t hold that against him but want to clear the air sort of speak.  But he comes from you brush it under the rug and we never speak of it again era and thought process. 

A few other things we just touched on but have more to work thru in therapy is me and how I feel about myself and those inner voices that tell me negative things that aren’t true.  I question why I don’t have many close relationships with my siblings and other family members.  It’s so easy to go down the road of it’s me or what’s wrong with me.  Well I do have issues but I am a good person and I am working on me. Those that haven’t worked on themselves I want to see them eat but not at my table.  So if they choose to not work on themselves, it’s OK for me to not want to see them hungry but also not see them at my table.   I will never seek revenge because I believe we reap what we sow or karma if you’re not a believer.  So I will continue to work on me, live my best life with my husband, kids, granddaughter, family I am close with, and our chosen family members that while they may not be blood mean so very much to me and I love with my whole heart.  On a closing note for your sake, your kids, your partner etc if there is one ounce of trauma you went thru do not pack it away undealt with and think it will vanish.  Nope it will find its way into your life when you least expect it and cause more pain.  Shed that skin, and become the best version of yourself.